Numbers

Why do we get so hung up on numbers? I have spent way too much time obsessing about the wrong numbers. I don’t know my cholesterol level, my blood pressure or my BMI. Although….my guess would be somewhere in the millions for ….

how many times I’ve gone on a diet….how many Monday mornings I have said “This is going to be the one!”…..how many times I have cheated just a little bit and then said …What the heck…you’ve already blown it…have whatever you want…..how many times I’ve cried about my broken promises to myself….how many excuses I have made for “needing” food… PMS, I’m tired, I’m bored, I deserve it…how many excuses I have made for not exercising…..how many times I have walked out of a dressing room in tears…how many times I have gotten all dressed up and then looked in the mirror bewildered because what I see in my head and what is starring back at me is not even close….how many summers have passed that I wish I wasn’t wearing an old lady bathing suit….how – not even counting pregnancy—I have been up to 229 pounds….how my size 14’s have become uncomfortable and my size 16’s are what I’ve been wearing more and more….how apparently I have subconsciously been having a farewell to junk food party this past week and I’ve gained 5 pounds…and so this morning my scale read 194 pounds…

OK…deep breath in….breathe out….

I’m going to let those numbers go now…..and focus on this….

How many times have I ever sincerely and completely asked for God’s healing in this area of struggle….One…. and this is it.

Confirmation

Wow…I have to admit, I was not prepared for how this would feel. After I sent out e-mails last night, I felt a little panicked! A nervousness came over me and I wondered….What have I done??!!? LOL  I feel like I am standing naked in a crowd! I feel so exposed… so vulnerable. Along with that nervousness came a desire to go eat a bowl of ice-cream. (I did not). But that is confirmation to me that I need to do this. No matter what people may say or think.  I need to continue working towards dealing with my emotions in a healthy way.

You guys have already been so awesome….thanks so much for your responses!! I can’t express how much your kind words encourage me! Thank you!!!

Be My Guest!

If you are reading this blog because of a personal invitation, I want to first thank you for taking the time to read these words. I have started a “project” that I would like to share with you. I made a list of women that I love, admire and respect…that have inspired me …that have supported and encouraged me. You are on my list! You are one of “My Girls!” In order for this to make sense, you might want to scroll down and read the first entry called “What is an extant woman?”.  There are some things that I am asking you to do…. Nothing too hard…I promise. =) Starting May 2, I am going to begin the Daniel’s fast and I am asking for your support. I have taken baby steps to get to this point and now I am hoping that you will help me by being my friend, help me to be accountable and encouraged,…but most important, please pray for me over the next few weeks.

Please note that I have purposely left any identifying information out of my blog because I am enjoying writing with total freedom. I can be very transparent when I am not worried about who knows me and what I should or should not say. I chose you because I trust you and I ask that you please be respectful of my choice for anonymity. From one extant woman to another, Thank you. Having said that, feel free to share, comment or just observe. Thanks for coming along for the ride!

It’s time….

Recently, I have felt led to revisit a study I did a few months ago in the book of Daniel. It is a fascinating story of Daniel’s desire to seek wisdom. Daniel made a request to go against the orders of King Nebuchadnezzar and be allowed to abstain from the king’s delicacies and from wine.  He requested to eat only “pulse” and drink only water. Pulse is defined as anything grown from a seed…essentially, it’s a vegan diet. During this time, the bible says that God gave Daniel and his men “knowledge….skills…wisdom and understanding.”  This story has been told and retold and is now known as “Daniel’s Fast.” That is my prayer. I have decided to follow Daniel’s example. I am getting married in a few months and obviously I want to be a beautiful bride. But more importantly, I want to be well…I want to be free from this bondage. I want to get real with God and myself …and I’m ready to do the work.

First things first…time to call in the troops…..

Be kind

I find myself having this continual negativity about my body. I don’t think I’m a negative person. I try to be positive with other people, but when it comes to me….I’m not always kind. I have a good friend that always says “Be kind to yourself.” I need to work on that. I have been praying lately that God help me replace my disgust and find contentment with my body. So….. I’m not going to project any more negativity on this vessel that God has blessed me with. This stomach…..rather than staring at the pudge and the stretch marks, I am going to thank God that this stomach carried two beautiful healthy babies.  These breasts …that are no longer where I want them to be…. are what nourished those same perfect babies… and these flabby arms….are what rocked them to sleep. These untoned, varicose veined legs have carried me around the world from Pocola to Paris. This frizzy, nappy, untamed hair was picked by God’s design. These eyes have allowed me to see Gods creation and because of these ears, I can hear the sweet melodies of the earth ….the oceans waves…the birds song… the laughter of a child. But this heart…this heart has been miraculously beating and pumping life through me for 36 years….and this heart….is where I want a makeover…. not just my body.

Wow….when I look at it that way…maybe I am “wonderfully made” =)

God, forgive me, I will no longer speak ill of Your creation.

The Reason

Why am I doing this? Why am I putting myself through this craziness? The reason that I am going to uncharted territory and trying to resolve this issue is fairly simple. I’m tired of it. It’s exhausting to carry ongoing battles around in my head. In so many ways my life is unbelievable blessed! My children are healthy and happy. I am madly in love with a man that I truly believe is a gift from God. I am nearing the end of a lifelong goal of mine to be the first in my family to earn a college degree…and then get to do what my heart desires most…teach children. The future of our family looks so exciting. God has truly answered major prayers in my life recently. So why? I look around and there is nothing in my life to be down about. Why do I feel held back…. pushed down…defeated…??? It doesn’t make sense.

And so…I continue… pressing on….asking God to deliver me of this misplaced connection. Thank you Father God for what you are doing in my life.

More Answers

The next thing that I felt came to me as a result of earnest prayer was a video that my instructor shared with our class. If you have not seen the movie “Supersize Me,” you must. It was an incredible eye opener for me. A friend of mine has been telling me to watch it for quite some time, but I had not seen it. Perhaps I wasn’t ready to understand yet. This message hit home loud and clear. It really explains the science of it all. It details why we get a rush from chemicals in food and why we would rather eat when we need comfort. There were times when the main character felt depressed after a big meal…at least until he got the next one. Incredible.  Basically, I have been training my body to crave junk and continue the cycle of eating to feel good…then feeling bad….so then I eat to feel good again.  All the while, never giving consideration to nutritional needs… just jumping from one “high” to the next.  Very eye opening. The next inspiring answer to pray came through another book. Women Food and God….  Powerful read. It is as if this book took a picture of my life and wrapped words around it. For the first time ever, I am asking myself the hard questions….. and I am digging deep to find the courage to truly answer them.

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