Day Seventeen

Yesterday was heavy……in every sense of the word. It was very difficult to go there….very difficult to write about… and very difficult to relive. I purposely don’t go to that place because obviously it’s painful, but yesterday I feel that I learned something incredibly valuable.

When my day began, like I said, I was asking (more like begging) God to not ask me to do this. The feeling would not go away. I literally sat down at my computer and said…”OK…use me….let the words that appear on this screen be Yours.”  And so we began. I typed…I cried…I felt. I couldn’t understand why it felt so necessary to revisit these moments in my life. I know they’re there, but I don’t think about them…ever.  The hardest reflection was the memory of the sexually inappropriate and dysfunctional relationship. I was a kid. The things he did were so wrong and I felt the weight of that memory for the entire day. I can’t explain it. I seriously felt like I was in that house. I was numb. I couldn’t do the things that were on my “to do” list. I sat….I stared out the window….I tried to read, but couldn’t concentrate. I tried to watch T.V. to escape my thoughts, but just wasn’t interested. I felt extremely sluggish, so I thought maybe if I could get in a good workout I would get some energy. I got on the elliptical and I didn’t even make it to two minutes. I seriously felt like my body weighed about 500 pounds. I told my family to just have sandwiches because I didn’t feeling like cooking dinner. I had no appetite but at one point found myself wanting to binge. It was like I was trying everything to not FEEL anything. I couldn’t do it. I knew that was not the answer. By 7:00pm I was so completely exhausted that I took a shower and by 8:00, I went to bed. I just couldn’t carry it anymore.

I slept amazing! I woke up at 5:50 this morning and felt awesome. I started my day with prayer and I was thanking God for yesterday even though it was so hard. I wondered why I felt so so heavy yesterday and this morning I feel so energized. This may sound crazy to some people but if you are a believer…you’ll get it. This is what I actually felt God saying to me…

“Because yesterday you were carrying the full burden of your pain…. for the last time. Today, and for the rest of your life… it is mine….my Son took care of that. You asked me to take it… and I did.”

Talk about Powerful!!

I may not carry those memories and connections at the front of my mind, but I carry them. Either consciously or subconsciously, I am drawing from the energy and power of those memories in my daily life. I have been using food to deal with my emotions in a way that honors my past. No more. I will honor my future and what God has planned for me. I can see glimpses of my abundant future and I am so excited! Looking back and carrying burdens from long ago is no way to live…. so I gave them up. I asked Him to take it from me and He did. I am living for today, excited about tomorrow and honoring my future… abundant future!

10The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. John 10:10

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Teri
    May 18, 2010 @ 11:29:06

    This is an amazing journey and an amazing story. Praise God! I am moved speechless, not normal for me, but I still wanted to say something. I am so happy for you, so proud of you, and still praying for you. I love you and miss you. Keep on keepin on my friend.


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