“I will praise You anyway”

Last week was difficult. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for over three years. We had decided (and had peace) that maybe that just wasn’t His plan for our family. So, I was shocked and elated when I took a pregnancy test that revealed we were expecting! Immediately, those hopes and dreams flooded my heart again and my mind was racing. We were so excited! The next day, I took another test and again, it was positive. I called the doctor and got the first available appointment. That morning, I knew something was wrong and by the end of the day, my joy had turned to sadness. My hopes and dreams were replaced with fear and concern. As I laid in my lukewarm claw foot bath tub, I felt sure that death had visited my body. I cried out to God and in the midst of my broken heart,
I said….”I will praise You anyway.” You know the desires of our hearts and if it be Your will that our family grows and you bless us with a child, I will praise you. And God, if it be Your will that we do not have this child, I will praise You anyway.

The next day, I had my appointment and it was confirmed that I had miscarried. I was 7 weeks.

I was sent home with meds to finish the process and Vicodin for the pain. It was, most assuredly, a painful process. Physically, for only a few days but emotionally, I’m just not sure. I have read way too many articles and unintentionally added too many questions and possibilities to my thinking that had already gone awry. Of course, I thought back over the past seven weeks and wondered about everything that I have done, or not done, or maybe did too much or not enough. I understand that is a useless and unproductive process that will never have an answer, so I try not to stay there for long. The one big thing that I cannot avoid is the overwhelming guilt of not being at a healthy weight. The fact is, I am 40 and obese. Being 40 alone causes me to be high risk, but add obesity and the risk factors skyrocket. This thought has caused great despair and I have shed many tears.

So now I am stuck. I feel trapped in a bizarre place with some decisions to make on a daily basis. Instantly, I wanted to medicate myself and take the physical pain and the emotional burden away. For the first two days, I did. At the end of the second day, I reached for the Vicodin, not because I was in physical pain, but because my heart hurt so much. After that dose, I gave the bottle to my husband. I asked him to put them away, because in that moment, I could totally relate to every person on the planet who has ever struggled with prescription drugs. It would have been so easy to continue taking them to feel better. After all, my doctor gave me 30 pills and I had only taken four! Yes, it would have been very easy. But I know how the enemy works and that is not a road that I was willing to meander down or a trip I was willing to take. The unfortunate truth was starring me in the face after that happened. The reality is, what I wanted was my normal and comfortable food binge. And I thought to myself…what’s the difference? Whether it’s pills or food, you are still medicating your pain. Isn’t that interesting? I find the strength somehow to not continue pills that could become a problem, but for years haven’t been able to walk away from binging. Granted, the food thing is way bigger and I’ve had this unhealthy dependency way longer, but am I not seeking the same result?

I’m still on shaky ground and I’m still praying minute by minute that I will not continue this spiral. I must decide, DAILY, how I am going to deal with my emotions. I can either continue to medicate myself with food and probably never conceive a child, OR, I can give this pain to God, work through this life long unhealthy relationship with food, get healthy, and try again. Please pray with me.

Father God, this is tough. This hurts so deeply. You know my heart and you know how much we would love to have a baby. We grieve for this loss. We give this pain to you. We ask that you grow our family. Help us to become stronger, closer to each other and closer to You. Please help me to turn to You and nothing else for love and comfort. If it be Your will that we have a child, I will praise you. And if not, I will praise you anyway.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. teri
    Jun 10, 2014 @ 18:12:28

    That was so incredibly touching. My heart breaks for you both and my thoughts and prayers go out to you. I am so sorry for your loss.

    Reply

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