Who? Me?

For years I have read the scripture in Psalms that says “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” But so often, I seem to cry out to God because I do not feel “fearfully and wonderfully made.” Better yet, the scripture continues …”your works are wonderful.”  Really? Wonderful? When I am in the depths of despair and feel so disgusted with myself for having these food issues….I feel far from wonderful. I feel that even on my best days, I fall way short of wonderful. I wonder if God meant everybody or just a chosen few and  that maybe I have missed the mark?

In those times, in my darkest moments …. somehow….. some way… He comes to my rescue. He reveals just enough of a glimpse of His glory for me to know that ….yeah, He meant me too. “Wonderfully made” does not mean perfect. I guess therein lies the beauty of it all. I am a mess. I am a person with issues. I run to food for my comfort. Yet, He meant me too.

The scripture that I have been pondering recently ….actually the one that led to the idea of this blog… is 2 Corinthians 4:8. “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but NOT DESTROYED! “ (emphasis, my own)

Not destroyed…the very definition of an extant woman. The journey continues….

The Journey Begins

So after years of denial, I decided to set out on a mission of understanding. I kinda feel like Ruby from STYLE, I need some answers.  I have taken some pretty bold steps …bold for me anyway. I had always thought that bad PMS was normal and just part of being a woman. But over the past few years, it has gotten incredibly intense. Often, I only have one good week of each month that I don’t feel insane. So I went to the doctor. I had blood work done and a full physical. I found that, for the most part, I’m pretty healthy. With the exception of the extra weight I’m carrying around, physically, I’m doing OK. However, my hormones and chemicals are definitely out of balance, so we took some steps to correct that. My next visit was to see a psychologist. I have been working toward understanding why I have food issues. I am feeling genuinely hopeful for the first time in years. I am praying for resolve and I believe in the power of prayer! I finally feel that there is a light at the end of the tunnel… it has not been easy, but I have hope…. and it feels good.

What comes first?

I’m not sure what comes first….the depression or the binging. Do I binge because I’m depressed or do I get depressed because I binge? Either way, this has been my painful reality for quite some time. I can remember as far back as childhood purposely eating so much food at one time that I felt sick. But, then and now, the pain does not go away. It may subside briefly, but it’s always there.

My car has become my haven for my dysfunction. I often go to drive-thru’s alone and then I make sure that I trash my receipts and bags before anyone can see how much food I consume at one time. Ironic, isn’t it? As if people can’t tell that I have food issues by looking at me. Almost comical. Almost.

With food addiction, the after effects are obvious to everyone. With drugs and alcohol, that isn’t always the case. I could never imagine putting a needle in my arm or drinking beyond consciousness, yet I am a junkie of another kind. I find my solace in food. I self-medicate and deal with my emotions with a more “socially-acceptable” drug.

Sometimes I think that maybe I should be grateful….. grateful that my stronghold is not catastrophic….but it is.  It’s destroying my heart, literally. It consumes me. It has taken over my body. My self-loathing thoughts never cease. I have been spiraling into darkness for a long time.

Like I said earlier, I am ready for a change. I need a change. My life depends on it.

What is an extant woman?

ex·tant

[ek-stuhnt, ik-stant]

–adjective

1. in existence; still existing; not destroyed or lost.

2. Archaic. standing out; protruding.

To be an extant woman is to recognize that even though, at times, I feel that I am not all that I want to be, I am still in existence. By the grace of God, I have not been destroyed or lost. There are days that I feel lost…..very lost, but in reality, I am not lost at all. I have come to a place in my life that I am no longer going to accept my challenges and struggles as “normal.” I can make a change. I can find resolve with these issues that have followed me for years. So this is my journey. It may be difficult at times. It may be dark. I feel sure that, quite often,  it will be comical. I have no doubt that there will be happy days and triumph on occasion. I am not going to promise that it will always be exciting or bright, but the one thing that I promise myself is that it will be…… real. I will commit to transparent authenticity with my thoughts,  my struggles, and my achievements.  I firmly believe the truth will set you free. I am still existing. I am not destroyed or lost. I am an extant woman. It‘s time to turn the page.