Lovely

February 14th… Valentine’s Day…. a day about Love.

Current Weight ~ 198 …..nothing LOVELY about that.

I am so pissed off. How could I have let this happen??? AGAIN?!?! I am actually up a few pounds from when I started this thing. What the heck?!?! I have been as high as 229 and as low as 171 over the past 20 years. I am so sick and tired of this. I just feel so exhausted from it all. I have gained over 20 pounds within the past 4 months. I guess that’s what happens when you stop making time to exercise and fall (or rather, LEAP) off the wagon. I have been so out of control lately. It’s like I have reignited every addiction I have ever struggled with… Cokes, fast food, junk… you name it…it’s been a free-for-all. One blessing/curse that I have is that I have gusto. When I go for it, I give it all I got. My gusto can be awesome when I am living healthy. Regrettably, my gusto can send me to an early grave when I am living so selfishly.

Friends, please pray for me.

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Torment

First, we rationalize. Then we make excuses. We tell ourselves it’s ok. We comfort our uneasiness by guiding our thoughts to believing after this one more time, we’ll do better. So we give in. We have…”just a few”… “one more bite” … “only half.”

Then the guilt kicks in. The mental torment of self loathing. Feelings of failure flood our emotions. We experience the physical effects of discomfort and misery. We resolve to do better. We convince ourselves that ….someday…. someday…. we really will change our lives.

Last week I decided to go to the mall to find a new book that I had read about online. This book looked like something that I really needed to read. You guessed it, another weight loss promise. Only I found hope in the fact that this Best Seller linked the physical and the spiritual aspects of weight struggles. After all, that’s what the focus of this entire blog has been about.

So, I get to the mall and was delighted to find my book. As I was walking back through the mall to leave, I began to struggle with the temptations of the food court. I gave in and got some pizza. Moments later, my other big struggles got the best of me and I added a double decker cream filled Nestle cookie to my binge.

So there I sat…in my car… in the mall parking lot…. binging on pizza, coke, and a cookie….

….with my new weight loss Best Seller in the seat next to me.

The painful and vicious cycle of torment continues.

Up to date

Hello friends! So much has happened since my last update! I have missed my blog. Here’s a quick, facts only, rundown of the past few weeks…

A couple of weeks before our wedding, I started stress eating… I had a plan to really get serious about my work outs and cut way back so that I would feel good in my wedding dress. Well, that did not happen. Quite the opposite, actually. With so much to do, I found myself stress eating and I did not work out even once.

On 10-10-10, regardless of my failed plan of losing more weight…. I felt beautiful. It was a magical day and I did not let any negative thoughts steal my joy. No, I was not a size 2, but I was surrounded by my wonderful family and friends and I married the love of my life. It was perfect =)

After the wedding, I continued the party all the way through our honeymoon cruise. Talk about food! We had an amazing time and were treated like royalty. For all of those days I went without sugar…well, I made up for it…. and then some!

We got home on Monday of this week and I have avoided the scale. I know that I have gained. My clothes tell me that. I set out to get back on track every morning and by the end of the day, I have not only overeaten.. several times this week, I have had an all out binge. It was not pretty.

It is amazing to me how much I change when I fall back in to that toxic routine. I have been extremely sluggish. I have slept soooo much lately. I have no pep and I have been very irritable. I feel horrible guilt and then turn around and do that same thing that made me feel horrible in the first place. I do not like who I become when I am living unhealthy.

Yesterday (Thursday) I got up and decided that I could not go through another day carrying this burden. So, I went for a 2 mile walk and had a little talk with God. All I know to do is get up and try again. So, here we go…starting each day by asking God to be my Guide and help me through these struggles.

Thanks to all of my friends and family who rejoice with my victories and lift me up when I fall.

Financing Available? Really?

I made an unexpected quick trip to Houston this weekend and once again, those billboards have prompted another blog post! Only this time, the feelings stirred up inside are not of anger, but rather sadness. The billboard read “Change your life” with stunning before and after pictures that would make anyone struggling with weight want to pull over the car. What made my heart sink was what was written along the bottom of the sign. In bold and professional lettering, I read “Financing Available.”

To the average person, that sign is no different than any other sign along our highways. For me, not only did it ignite a thought provoking conversation with my co-pilot, but it also took me back to a darker time in my life. I feel sure I am not alone. Using my personal experiences as reflection, I wondered how many people see pictures like that or watch a late night infomercial and are led by their desperation to “finance” a hopeful change in their lives. Weight loss is a multi-billion dollar industry with an ever increasing target audience. I was that person who could be brought to tears with excitement about the possibility of THE diet, or program, or pill, or book etc. that would “change my life.” In that moment, I would have mortgaged my home for the opportunity to lose weight and change my life, so when you offer “financing available,” I feel sure many will do anything possible for the chance.

Because I am now taking a different approach by asking God to be my Guide and seeing real change without the need for “financing,” a sign like that jolts my emotions. Let me say clearly that I am not proclaiming that I have arrived, or that I have the answers. I am simply telling my story. My story that includes a time of desperation, pain, sorrow, and envy that were connected to my bank account. What I have learned is that God’s Plan is so different that what our culture is used to. God’s love has no comparison, God’s personal training skills are impeccable, His Book is the best “How to” manual available. The best part…. no financing necessary…. he offers it all as His free gift to us.

…to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.  Ephesians 1:6

One at a Time

I am one of those people who can be very intense at times. I work hard, I play hard, I study hard, whatever I am doing, I am usually going full force. Guess what I have noticed? It’s the same way when I eat. I can be watching a movie and not even realize how much popcorn I ate as I shoveled in a handful at a time. I used to love eating potato chips. My favorites were the folded ones because it was an extra crunch like having two chips at one time. When I didn’t have the folded ones, I would just stack a few together. The same thing with French fries, I usually take several at a time. Why? Why have I always thought I needed to shove in so much at one time? Maybe it was because my goal was to reach that stuffed, numb feeling. I wasn’t really concerned with flavor or quality, rather, quantity was my focus.

I have learned a new concept! This is brilliant! I can eat finger foods such as popcorn, grapes, nuts or berries… get this!!….One… At…. A… Time!! What an idea! I can take one bite, chew it, taste it, savor the flavor and enjoy it…one bite at a time. There’s no need to try to race to finish it. The taste is the same…actually, eating  slower is better. It’s an entirely different experience when you allow yourself the opportunity to know what your food actually taste like. I guess that’s what happens when you’re eating for fuel instead of eating for recreation! Who knew!! =)

Thank you God for all of the ways You are revealing yourself and your ways to me!

7 Pounds in 7 Days!

Don’t you just love those programs that promise quick results? We hear it all the time on infomercials, magazines, and websites. Guess what? I am here as living proof to tell you that your body can change by 7 pounds in 7 days! Here’s how!!

Tired of enjoying amazing success and that on top of the world feeling? Have you just had too much of that positivity, balance, and peaceful fellowship with your Creator? Well then, there’s a plan for you!!! Put an end to all of that peace and motivation by overeating and binging for 7 days straight! You heard right! No more amazing healthy meals or euphoric work outs… just start indulging in sugary drinks, fast food, and non stop sweets and you’ll gain that 7 pounds in 7 days—No Problem! We guarantee it– 7 pounds! That’s right! 7 pounds! Start today!

But WAIT! Act now and you can begin your misery today! Express self destruction can be rush delivered instantly! Act now!

Ouch! Crazy how so much hard work can be destroyed so quickly by veering from God’s plan for our temple. This has been a hard lesson learned. So thankful that God’s mercies are new every morning! Today is a new day!

Goin’ Walking after Midnight

So I’ve been thinking…..  I wonder what I could have done differently when I was faced with such challenging temptations last week. It was confusing because I seemed to have a plan before and it was easier when I had certain guidelines. I don’t want to be one of those people who “white-knuckle” every day. I think I need to revise my plan.

I have several friends who are members of AA. I have visited some of the open meetings in support of my friends who have struggled with alcohol addiction and I believe in this program. While praying about a plan for dealing with my weak moments, I remembered one of the principles that I heard about through AA. It s called the “Rule of HALT.”  The idea is that there are moments in our daily lives that we may be more susceptible to our weaknesses. When we are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired, our judgment may be impaired. The goal is that rather than succumb to these conditions, we will HALT, bring to a stop any of these situations that could be a trigger to our self-destructive behavior and choose a different path.

As I pondered that thought, I prayed about a way to make this method work for me in my struggles with weight issues. I was so excited when the scripture and idea came to me….. check this out!

Psalm 121

1I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;
From where shall my help come?
2My help comes from the LORD,
Who made heaven and earth.
3He will not allow your foot to slip;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
4Behold, He who keeps Israel
Will neither slumber nor sleep.
5The LORD is your keeper;
The LORD is your shade on your right hand.
6The sun will not smite you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
7The LORD will protect you from all evil;
He will keep your soul.
8The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in
From this time forth and forever.

Amazing, Huh!!??!?!?!

I began to really think about what is happening in that moment when I am deciding to binge or not. Whether it’s stress, anger, loneliness, exhaustion or whatever the trigger…. ultimately it’s my decision to follow through. So I tried a new approach. I decided to WALK. I have always enjoyed walking, but this new idea has a double meaning. In that moment…. you know the moment…. when I am deciding to choose from a vending machine, ordering from a menu, making my third trip to the kitchen for a “snack” or reaching for the office donut…. I am going to choose to be:

Willing to Acknowledge that the Lord is my Keeper!

I can physically walk if possible or I can take a walk in my thoughts… and go back to Psalm 121. The Lord is my Keeper, my Protector, my Guard. Maybe I can’t get through these moments on my own, but I can WALK back to Him and claim His promises!

Got your walking shoes on? Let’s take a stroll………..

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