Looking for Love in all the wrong places!

In today’s Made to Crave Bible study, I was struck by the question: “Is it possible we love and rely on food more than we love and rely on God?”

At first glance, I gasp at the thought! By no means do I “love” food more than God!

Or do I? Where do I turn when I need comfort? When I want a reward? When I feel joy? When I experience stress? When I feel sadness? When I feel happiness? When I experience boredom?

Ouch! I continually turn to food before God for all of these emotions and situations. I am reminded of the “romance” conversation. When we love someone/something, we give of our time, energy, thoughts, and desires. Oh how I want to love God that way! I want to crave Him! I want to desire Him above all! I love the thought that we are literally made to crave! It truly is in our DNA to desire and long for….not some thing… but some ONE!

Thank you for making me in this way, God! Please help me as I direct my cravings and desires to You and away from food!

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Breaking Up is Hard to Do

I loved how one of our participants in class described her relationship with food as a Romance. I really hadn’t ever thought about it that way, but as she spoke, I could see the correlation. 

Wikipedia defines romance as the pleasurable feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love. In the context of romantic love relationships, romance usually implies an expression of one’s love, or one’s deep emotional desires to connect.

Wow! That could totally define my relationship with food at times: Excitement…mystery…deep emotional desire….love. Does any of this sound familiar to you?

As I continue my study and as I see how my desires are misplaced, I see how dysfunctional this “romance” has become. I realize there is something I must do.

I have to “break up” with Food.

Now, I know it won’t be easy and I cannot completely break up with food, but I will have to be selective about what I allow to be a part of my life. I must create healthy boundaries. Junk food has to go. Overindulgence cannot be my friend any longer.
Unhealthy choices… We can’t have our ongoing rendezvous. Although I have found solace within your familiar embrace, I must sever ties and move on….into a positive, healthy, and uplifting relationship.

So even though breaking up is hard to do, in this case, it’s a matter of victory or defeat. So long, dysfunctional romance! I choose victory. I choose Jesus!

Lovely

February 14th… Valentine’s Day…. a day about Love.

Current Weight ~ 198 …..nothing LOVELY about that.

I am so pissed off. How could I have let this happen??? AGAIN?!?! I am actually up a few pounds from when I started this thing. What the heck?!?! I have been as high as 229 and as low as 171 over the past 20 years. I am so sick and tired of this. I just feel so exhausted from it all. I have gained over 20 pounds within the past 4 months. I guess that’s what happens when you stop making time to exercise and fall (or rather, LEAP) off the wagon. I have been so out of control lately. It’s like I have reignited every addiction I have ever struggled with… Cokes, fast food, junk… you name it…it’s been a free-for-all. One blessing/curse that I have is that I have gusto. When I go for it, I give it all I got. My gusto can be awesome when I am living healthy. Regrettably, my gusto can send me to an early grave when I am living so selfishly.

Friends, please pray for me.

Clever quote

Recently, I read a quote that made me really stop and think. I began to think about my weight loss journey ….my mountains and valleys along the way….and my blog that details these event.

Check this out:

“I just did” feels so much better than “I’m going to.”

Wow… To me, that is profound. As we approach a new year, I can reflect on so many “new beginnings” over this past year. I think about how many times I have had small victories… And how many times I have fallen off the wagon.

That quote has caused me to change my thinking and reconsider the direction of my blog. I don’t want one more single day to be about what “I’m gonna” do…. How cool would it be to be able to report what I’ve done… Rather than what I plan to do? No doubt, it is a process. I have shared my journey and will continue to do so. But in this moment, when everyone is talking about resolutions and goals….quite frankly, I’m sick of hearing it. Even from myself. My goal is still the same. I have made a mess of my health and I have prayed and asked God to help me return to His health plan. This is my prayer for both me and you! Many Blessings, my friend!

Why me, God?

My early life was unstable, to say the least. Because my mother died when I was two years old, and my address changed quite often, I spent a lot of time confused and angry. Outwardly, I think many people thought I was a fairly happy kid… until I attempted to take my own life as a teenager. You see, I could mask my pain with laughter, but inside… I was hurting. I asked many times… “Why me, God? Why did MY mom have to go away? Why couldn’t I have the loving family life that I saw in the homes of my friends? Isn’t there someone…anyone?…..out there who could love me unconditionally?” Out of my desperation and sadness I would ask….Why me, God? Why did you give THIS life to me? 

When I was that troubled teenager in the hospital after trying to take my life, a very special person gave a card to me with the verse Romans 8:28 on it. Because the numbers were 8:28….my birthday, I clung to these words…..

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, those who are the called according to His purpose.” 

I didn’t understand it at the time. It sure did not feel as if anything was “working for good.” Little did I know…. I was among “the called according to His purpose!”

Today is my 37th birthday. This evening my fiancé and his family threw a surprise birthday party for me! All of my friends did an awesome job of keeping the secret! I walked in and could not believe it when I saw my family and friends….even my pastor was there! The birthday music started playing and I felt so much love and gratitude in my heart.

And again, I ask… Why me, God? What did I ever do to deserve THIS life?
Why did you choose to give ME this unbelievably amazing and incredibly happy life? You have blessed me beyond measure! If I could have only seen then, as a mixed up kid, what you had planned for me! The family I never had as a child… I now have as a mother. The example of love between a man and a woman that I did not witness…. I now feel in my heart for my fiancé. The supportive family and deep lifelong friendships that I have, make my life so full. Some of the struggles and experiences I have faced have been challenging, but my God has blessed me abundantly and has worked it all
together for good….unbelievably good! 

Thank you, Father God for THIS life!!!       

A Love Story

Two hours ago, I was upset. I was extremely frustrated and set out for a walk/run to vent. As I started my walk, I was grumbling and complaining to God. “Why is this so hard?”  “Why couldn’t I have been born with good genes, a high metabolism and a dislike for sugar and fried food?” “Why me, God!?!?”

I had my iPod with me but I was too frustrated to even turn it on. However, as I continued down the road huffing and puffing, there was a goofy song hat I couldn’t get out of my head….

“….it’s a love story…. baby just say yes….”

A love story, huh? Is that what this is, God? If so, I am not feeling the “happily ever after.”

As the road continued, my wondering did too…. I started thinking about classic loves stories. I am a huge fan of Western Literature and I loved studying classics such as Jane Eyre, Hamlet, Homer’s Odyssey and yes… Romeo and Juliet. I have actually visited the famous balcony in Verona where Juliet awaits as Romeo proclaims his love for her. A tragic and triumphant love story.

I’m sure the endorphins helped my thinking, but I began to compare this journey to a love story.  Could it be, that like all classic love stories, my journey will have it’s share of tragedy and triumph?

The tragedy comes when I am consumed with discouragement, when I am overtaken by defeat and begin to feel depressed. The triumph comes in the very fact that God doesn’t leave me there. I have way more days that I feel triumphant with my small victories than days that I feel defeated. In fact, in the midst of my frustration this morning, I started looking for something to wear to my friends wedding tonight. I decided on an adorable skirt that I have never worn before. It’s a size 12. A few short months ago, my size 16’s and 18’s were tight and today I will wear a skirt that is a size 12 — and it’s not elastic! LOL We’re talking about an actual zipper! LOL

So yeah, I guess I could call this journey a love story. And this chapter… well, I think I can refer to this part as the Triumphant Chapter 12!!!

Psalm 136:2 says:

Give thanks to the God of gods.
His love endures forever.”

Let’s chat

Ok friends, I have missed you. I have missed my transparent accountability that I find on my blog… and I need it! Last week was insane. Summer II classes were more challenging for me than any semester I have had this far. I have never written so many papers or spent so many hours on research! It was a wild ride for 5 weeks, but I am happy to report that I got all A’s. =) Now I only have 6 classes and my student teaching and I’m finished! Woo Hoo!

So as good as I feel about my accomplishments with my classes, I’m feeling pretty bummed about my weight loss journey right now. I let the chaos of stress and deadlines get to me and although I tried, there were several days that I threw out my right thinking. I made excuses to hit the drive thru and began that vicious cycle of feeling bad (physically and mentally) and then doing it again anyway. It feels so yuck! Why do I do this to myself? On the one hand, I know I can’t beat myself up for having a bad week. That goes against everything that I have learned on my journey. However, I’m frustrated because I KNOW what makes me feel good physically and I KNOW how sluggish and unmotivated I feel when I get off track.  I just don’t know why I choose to learn this lesson over and over and over again.

The good news is, I had a serious workout yesterday and a great day of food choices. I love how it feels to take a deep breath, reflect on my downfall, then spend some time alone with God. Look what I found!!

Psalm 37:24 says

…”though he stumble, he will not fall,

for the Lord upholds him with his hand.

I am so grateful! I’m going to kick it in gear this week and get back to feeling awesome! I want to continue my journey the way it all started. I asked God to be my Guide. But over the past few weeks, completely unintentional, I let too may things fog my vision. But today…today is a clear day… not a cloud in the sky!

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